Its been a tough few months... but I'm trying to keep on - to keep going on, to still laugh at things I'm expected to laugh at, to smile at the appropriate times... Its all just a farce of course, but it has to be done, for the sake of those who love and care for me, and for all those whom i love and care about.. although, mom sees through me - a single hello on the phone and she knows something's wrong... but its more for her sake than for anyone else, that I pretend that everything is ok- that I am ok. But I know the truth, and can't share it with her right now - maybe at some point in the future, but now isn't the time.. although there are days when all i really want to do is hug her and cry.. there's a comfort and solace that i seek in her lap, and i wish sometimes i hadnt grown up so much, that i could lie in her lap the whole day, sleep with my head on her lap, or her arms around me.. and i could just hug her and know that she'd make everything ok, all the hurt and tears go away.. she still can... doc told me today to share more with her - she'll be my best friend... and she is... and I'm pretty sure she knows what I'm going through of late (more or less at least), which is why she's probably given me so much space and not asked me hundreds of questions. i don't think i would've been able to answer any and she probably gets that... I'm glad i have her.... i don't know what i would do without her support... when all else fails, there's mom...

i just wish... that things were better... that i could go back a few months... when things were better.. when i was a happier person - when i was myself, completely myself. i haven't felt like myself since last few months... been a long while since i smiled on my own, laughed without any influence. the only emotions that I've felt of late have been anger and sadness, and now, even anger's started to subside... of late its just been heart-wrenching sadness, and tears... a lot of tears.. maybe, hopefully they'll stop too of their own accord.. cause honestly I'm tired of crying so much... but tears are odd things - they have the propensity to appear at the oddest of hours, amongst the oddest of situations.. so i just wish that they would stop sometime soon.. i just want things back to the way they were, when we were happy and not worried about the rest of the world, without the stupid complications.. but don't know if things ever go back... they can improve certainly and become better than what they were - I'm hoping and rooting for it.. every day, its a prayer to god... don't know how many number of times, but its always the same prayer, every day... I'm hoping god will listen to it at least once at some point - that'll be more than enough. it will have to be more than enough, for now at least...

Perfection

Life's at an odd junction-
Loose strings to be tied.
All relations in a mess-
Twisted and stressed.
Knowing not how to
Iron out creases,
Doing everything that pleases
Everyone else but my own
Tired and battered soul.
Wish someone would
Come along
Hold my hand and ask me
To belong
To his life and his alone.
I'll gladly walk away,
Leaving behind the hurt
And sorrow,
To walk through a new by-lane
Where at every step
There's a new relation-
A chance to clean my slate,
A chance to start afresh.

This life has seen enough
To want to close it's eyes
To everything old-
To leave this cresh,
And form new ties.
It's early yet, I know,
To want different meanings,
Newer faces.
But it's never too late
To salvage what little is left
Of a heart in constant pain,
A pride screaming foul,
And a conscience feeling confused
And always,
Always so deeply troubled.

Wonder how it will come to be-
A dream of something so beautiful-
Something so pure,
Creating a stainless past,
Wishing it to forever last.
No more looking behind backs,
Cynically awaiting new attacks,
Arrows from different angles-
Allegations and judgements,
Causing ties to detangle.
Away from all of it,
Riding towards the shore
With dreams in my eyes
Of that perfect life-
Focusing on only that
Which makes up the world
Around this dream,
Searching for perfection-
In life and in me.

Life has a funny way of behaving...

So she's gone back to Shanghai - my darling lil niece, the apple of my eye and whatnot... today early morning flight and I couldn't get myself to wake up and see her off cause I knew I'd cry at the sight of her lithe body sleeping in bhabhi's arms and I'd crave to take her in my arms and hug her and cover her with kisses.. So I didn't wake up and didn't see her off and now I'm wishing I had and yet, glad I didn't.. It's a double-edged sword.. The morning's been glum, with the rain gods smiling down upon us, trying to make me smile for a lil while, but in vain... seems that it's got to be a sad day today for more than one reason than required... but I shall not dwell on the other reason, cause this reason, of my darling's departure, is more than enough to make me well-up, and the other reason can only make things worse and worse is not what I need right now...

So anyway, I intend to throw myself in work cause a lot is required to be covered in this one week - and if I don't I'll get my ass whipped for my plans for the future... and that I can't afford this year... not this year.. deadlines have to be met - last two months have been kind of slow, and I need to pace things up now.. Have also to socialize a fair bit - have ignored a fair number of friends and I'm afraid they'll start thinking it was intentional on my part, although it wasn't. Get prioritized, don't they say? hmm.. yeah... Better get started now itself..

Monday blues

Monday morning blues... and oh! It can't get bluer than this... late for everything and yet, nothing seems to be affecting my mood- perhaps cause it's already bad enough...? and for some unknown reason, it's just gotten worse since I've woken up. I mean, it's not that there's too much work and I'm dying under the pressure that's making it worse- (I'm here online writing aren't I, although there are too many things that need my immediate attention?), nor is it that I've fought with someone or had an argument over something that's made it this bad... No sireeee...! It's just gotten worse - that's it! No reason nothing...!


Aaaaaaaarrrggggghhhhh!! I probably shouldn't be publishing this lest people out there start thinking something's gone terribly wrong with me.. but Oh! for gods' sake! I can't be bothered right now with it!

First of!

I had almost forgotten that I had at some point in the past, started a blog, one that I never wrote anything on apart from a huge introduction for my profile. Whoever said "it's better late than never" must never have started something, only to drop it in an instant, and then to forget it and start again eons later.. the phrase doesn't really make me feel any less guilty.. I've always wanted to write - had wanted to be a journalist at one point, so when I decided to start blogging (look how far we've come in life!), I thought "this has to be my way of staying connected to writing", I actually just sat staring at my screen, blankly I might add, not being able to capture any words tumbling through my brains at a rate of god knows how many thoughts per second (was never good at physics or any of the sciences to confirm the exact rate)...


Anyway, so here I am trying to pen down randomly some of the thoughts that are going through my mind at this very moment. And I'm finding myself, unfortunately, at an almost similar situation - facing writing-phobia! Almost! Well let's see... it isn't exactly early morning, and I really must get going so that I can have a better beginning to the day, but honestly, although I did wake up earlier than usual (read usual as past three months), I haven't had a good morning- woke up completely disjointed and called a friend to enquire after his health - (he's caught the flu), only to have an extremely cryptic conversation which lasted not more than a couple of minutes having been told that he's "preoccupied" although he's doing "nothing"... so i got cheesed off early morning, while my intention was only to do some good by making someone feel cared for..


So here I am, trying to make my world seem a better place, by doing something that I had planned to do a long time ago and hoping it shall last for a longer time than the absence of it. I'm hoping there'll be someone to read this nonsense of mine and I admit I really doubt that whoever reads shall understand this vague bit of nonsense... But I can't think of anything else right now and even if I could, I have to leave since I'm pressed for time and have to rush to work...